Friday, December 2, 2011
Xmas joke
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse. Instructions were studied and we were inspired,In hopes we could manage "Some Assembly Required. "The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's town house to boot! And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot! We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat.... Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete! Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;If we can't get it right, it goes in the basement! When what to my worrying eyes should appear,But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,With each part numbered and every slot named,So if we failed, only we could be blamed. More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,All over the carpet they were scattered about. "Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there! Slide on the seats, and staple the stair! Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand. "Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand. "And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night With "assembly required " till morning's first light. We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin Before we attached the last rod and last pin. Then laying the tools away in the chest,We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out,"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt. Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring,And not have to run to the store for a thing! We did it! We did it! The toys are all set For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet! "Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,Though I suppose there's something to say for those self-deluded... I'd forgotten that batteries are never included!"
Joke
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room.
As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, ‘Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you.’
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: ‘Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too.’
He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room.
As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, ‘Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you.’
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: ‘Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too.’
Joke
A man 80 years of age married a young lady. A year later he carried her to the hospital, and she had a baby. The nurse said to the man: ‘At your age, how do you do that?’
The man answered: ‘You just have to keep the motor running’.
Another year passes, and the man carries her back to the hospital, another baby. The same nurse said to the man and asked: ‘You are something else, how do you do that?’.
He said: ‘I told you that you just have to keep the motor running’. Another year and back to the hospital for another baby. The same nurse said: ‘You are unbelieveable, how do you do that?!’.
He said: ‘You got to keep the motor running’.
She answered: ‘Well, you better change oil, because this one came out black’.
The man answered: ‘You just have to keep the motor running’.
Another year passes, and the man carries her back to the hospital, another baby. The same nurse said to the man and asked: ‘You are something else, how do you do that?’.
He said: ‘I told you that you just have to keep the motor running’. Another year and back to the hospital for another baby. The same nurse said: ‘You are unbelieveable, how do you do that?!’.
He said: ‘You got to keep the motor running’.
She answered: ‘Well, you better change oil, because this one came out black’.
Joke
A man 80 years of age married a young lady. A year later he carried her to the hospital, and she had a baby. The nurse said to the man: ‘At your age, how do you do that?’
The man answered: ‘You just have to keep the motor running’.
Another year passes, and the man carries her back to the hospital, another baby. The same nurse said to the man and asked: ‘You are something else, how do you do that?’.
He said: ‘I told you that you just have to keep the motor running’. Another year and back to the hospital for another baby. The same nurse said: ‘You are unbelieveable, how do you do that?!’.
He said: ‘You got to keep the motor running’.
She answered: ‘Well, you better change oil, because this one came out black’.
The man answered: ‘You just have to keep the motor running’.
Another year passes, and the man carries her back to the hospital, another baby. The same nurse said to the man and asked: ‘You are something else, how do you do that?’.
He said: ‘I told you that you just have to keep the motor running’. Another year and back to the hospital for another baby. The same nurse said: ‘You are unbelieveable, how do you do that?!’.
He said: ‘You got to keep the motor running’.
She answered: ‘Well, you better change oil, because this one came out black’.
Joke
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe? " When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty! " shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good! " and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior? ", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ! " shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good! " and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? " Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half! " The Teacher fainted."
Christmas joke
'Twas the Night After Christmas'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried. When out in the yard the dog started barking, I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus. " I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause. " Then the Sheriff he said, "The man was shot at last night. " I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like. " The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry. " I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri. " "It's no time for jokes Roy " the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen. " Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again. " When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's . But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red. Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shaking as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run. And slung on his back was this bag over flowing. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air! " But he went about his business like he hadn't a care. So I popped a warning shot over his head. Well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see you in court. " The above document was written by Jeff Foxworthy."
have a great weekend only 23 days till xmas
everyone have a great weekend if u in dallas area enjoy the rain weekend
Not loved
Feels like everyday I'm alone. Not because I don't have any friends around me at the time, just because no one understands what I really feel like everyday.
love 2
An Entrapment
My love, I have tried with all my being
to grasp a form comparable to thine own,
but nothing seems worthy;
I know now why Shakespeare could not
compare his love to a summer’s day.
It would be a crime to denounce the beauty
of such a creature as thee,
to simply cast away the precision
God had placed in forging you.
Each facet of your being
whether it physical or spiritual
is an ensnarement
from which there is no release.
But I do not wish release.
I wish to stay entrapped forever.
With you for all eternity.
Our hearts, always as one.
- Anthony Kolos -
My love, I have tried with all my being
to grasp a form comparable to thine own,
but nothing seems worthy;
I know now why Shakespeare could not
compare his love to a summer’s day.
It would be a crime to denounce the beauty
of such a creature as thee,
to simply cast away the precision
God had placed in forging you.
Each facet of your being
whether it physical or spiritual
is an ensnarement
from which there is no release.
But I do not wish release.
I wish to stay entrapped forever.
With you for all eternity.
Our hearts, always as one.
- Anthony Kolos -
love
A Special World
A special world for you and me
A special bond one cannot see
It wraps us up in its cocoon
And holds us fiercely in its womb.
Its fingers spread like fine spun gold
Gently nestling us to the fold
Like silken thread it holds us fast
Bonds like this are meant to last.
And though at times a thread may break
A new one forms in its wake
To bind us closer and keep us strong
In a special world, where we belong.
- Sheelagh Lennon -
A special world for you and me
A special bond one cannot see
It wraps us up in its cocoon
And holds us fiercely in its womb.
Its fingers spread like fine spun gold
Gently nestling us to the fold
Like silken thread it holds us fast
Bonds like this are meant to last.
And though at times a thread may break
A new one forms in its wake
To bind us closer and keep us strong
In a special world, where we belong.
- Sheelagh Lennon -
good afternoon last day tgif
I think that I shall never see
a billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall,
I'll never see a tree at all.
Ogden Nash (1902 - 1971)
Good morning
✿⊱✿⊱╮✿⊱╮Good Morning, may your day be filled with love..Hugs and Kisses for your day! ✿⊱✿⊱╮✿⊱╮