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Thursday, December 15, 2011
яιρ тσ∂αу
Яιρ тσ∂αу BREAKING: Author Christopher Hitchens dies at 62, Vanity Fair magazine says | More: http://sms.msnbc.com
Dog joke
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. ‘You don't understand,’ I said, ‘I hoped to have Sex on TV.’ He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, ‘Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.’ The Judge said, ‘Me too!’
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, ‘I'm looking for Sex.’ -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, ‘What seems to be the trouble?’ I replied, ‘Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely.’ and the doctor said, ‘Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog.’
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him ‘Buddy’ or ‘Lassie’. I call mine ‘Sex’. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, ‘I would like to have one too!’ Then I said, ‘But she is a dog!’ He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, ‘You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old.’ He replied, ‘You must have been quite a strong boy.’ When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, ‘But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.’ He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, ‘You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night.’ The clerk said, ‘Me too!’
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. ‘You don't understand,’ I said, ‘I hoped to have Sex on TV.’ He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, ‘Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.’ The Judge said, ‘Me too!’
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, ‘I'm looking for Sex.’ -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, ‘What seems to be the trouble?’ I replied, ‘Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely.’ and the doctor said, ‘Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog.’
God Words 12/15/11
"You Are The Light Of The World":
14 'You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden.
15 Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house.
16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven. (Matthew 5 : 14-16 - ESV)
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Joke 10:53pm 12/14/11
‘As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern.’
‘At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg.’
‘Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.'‘
‘From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?’
The sperm nodded affirmatively.
Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren.
He wakes immediately and runs to the tunnel.
A multitude of sperm swim behind him.
He knows he has to arrive first.
When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm.
He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball.
When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, ‘Hi, I'm a sperm!’
The red sticky ball smiles and says, ‘Hi. I'm a tonsil.’
Joke 10;52pm 12/14/11
There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major.
She asked ‘Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very Serious man.
Is something bothering you?’
‘Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.’
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, ‘It looks like you have seen a lot of action?’
‘Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.’
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, ‘You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.’
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, ‘You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?’
‘1955’, he replied.
‘Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need To chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!’
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and Said, ‘Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.’
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, ‘I hope not; it's only 2130 now.’
Xbox
Joke time
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy crap. That must be my husband!’
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window.
He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’
The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’
God 12/14/11
☆☆★★God ★★☆☆
"The Beatitudes":
3 'Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 'Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
5 'Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
6 'Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
7 'Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
8 'Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
9 'Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
10 'Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 'Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account.
12 Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you. (Matthew 5 : 3-10 - ESV)





