jokes one and two

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish.

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."

The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?


joke two There was once this cowboy, riding through the wild west. One day, off in the distance, he sees a small cloud of dust. So he rides his horse up to it, and finds its an Indian laying on the ground with his chop sticking out of his pants! The cowboy gets off his horse and asks, "What are you doing?", to which the Indian replies, "Me tell time! Penis acts as sundial." The cowboy in disbelief says, "Ok, what time is it?" The Indian looks down at his "3:35..." "That's amazing, your right!" the cowboy says in amazement. So he hops onto his horse and keeps going.

Riding along further, he sees the same thing, gets off his horse, and thinking the last Indian was a fluke, asks this one the time. The Indian looks down at his "one eyed bandit" and says "4:40". The cowboy is stunned, the time was right again! Shaking his head he hops back onto his horse and rides again.

After riding a while again, he sees yet another Indian on the ground with his "bald headed champ" except he was jerking off. The cowboy hops off his horse and says, "And what are you doing?" to which the Indian replies, "Me winding clock."

word

Word:Egregious (adj). Obviously bad. The newspaper made an egregious typo. They misspelled a word in the headline!

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jokes

1.
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

2.As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

4.One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

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barry bonds mlb

SAN FRANCISCO
A federal judge on Friday spared Barry Bonds from serving time behind bars for his obstruction of justice conviction.


COMING CLEAN
The Mitchell Report blew the lid off MLB's steroid culture. See which players have admitted to PED use.
US District Judge Susan Illston sentenced Bonds to two years of probation, 30 days of home confinement and 250 hours of community service for misleading a 2003 grand jury investigating a steroids ring.

Illston also delayed her sentence pending the outcome of Bonds' appeal of the conviction — meaning that Bonds will not begin serving his 30-day home confinement period or two-year probation until his appeal is settled.

Bonds' attorneys estimated the appeal process will take approximately 18 months.

Baseball's all-time home runs leader was found guilty of obstruction of justice in April after a jury determined that he gave misleading testimony before a 2003 grand jury investigating BALCO, a Bay Area laboratory that distributed steroids to top athletes.

Bonds is the 11th person to be convicted in the steroids probe, joining the likes of track star Marion Jones and Bonds' personal trainer Greg Anderson.

Illston's sentence Friday was an apparent victory for Bonds' defense team, who had specifically asked for a home confinement sentence while prosecutors advocated an incarceration period of 15 months.

Assistant US Attorney Matthew Parrella argued before Illston that home confinement was not a strong enough punishment for a millionaire who lives in a 15,000-square-foot home in Beverly Hills, Calif., but the Bill Clinton-appointee was not swayed.

Bonds, who appeared noticeably thinner since his guilty verdict was read in April, declined a chance to speak on his own behalf in court Friday.


CHEAT SHEET
These athletes flaunted the rules. Who's in this hall of shame?
Bonds' legal team said it was optimistic in its appeal.

"We absolutely believe Barry was wrongly convicted of a felony offense," attorney Donald Horgan said. "At the moment he is branded a felon. We intend to fight it on appeal and overturn that judgment so he can return to public life as a citizen free of a criminal conviction."

"I've been doing this before the Ninth Circuit [US Court of Appeals] for 30 years now, and this is certainly as powerful of an appeal that I've ever had," Horgan added.

Illston's sentence also includes a $4,000 fine and prohibits Bonds from owning any firearms.

Bonds did not speak to reporters after the sentencing hearing, and Horgan said Bonds' last words to him were "Merry Christmas," implying that the former San Francisco Giant was at least somewhat satisfied with Friday's outcome.

Bonds, 47, who also played for the Pittsburgh Pirates, retired from baseball after the 2007 season with an all-time best 762 career home runs and seven National League MVP awards.

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Она имеющих проверить мою маму на ее раком сегодня она плохо себя чувствовал

♡♥

Ella tiene un cheque a mi madre en el cáncer hoy en día se ha sentido mal

ツ

เธอมีการตรวจเช็คแม่ของฉันเกี่ยวกับโรคมะเร็งของเธอในวันนี้เธอเคยรู้สึกไม่ดี

update on my mom

му мσм αт ∂я ωιтн му ∂α∂ ѕнє caи ∂яινє ѕσ ωє ωιℓℓ fιи∂ συт нσω ѕнє ∂σιиg ℓαтєя σи тнє ¢нє¢к υρ ѕнє вєєи fєєℓιиg вα∂

♡

"Giving to the Needy":
1 'Beware of practicing yo´ur righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.
2 'Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward.
3 But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing,
4 so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.  (Matthew 6 : 1-4 - ESV)

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яιρ тσ∂αу

Яιρ тσ∂αу BREAKING: Author Christopher Hitchens dies at 62, Vanity Fair magazine says | More: http://sms.msnbc.com

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Orders

One order and 50 ? About prices of shoes and video games

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Dog joke

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him ‘Buddy’ or ‘Lassie’. I call mine ‘Sex’. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, ‘I would like to have one too!’ Then I said, ‘But she is a dog!’ He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, ‘You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old.’ He replied, ‘You must have been quite a strong boy.’ When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, ‘But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.’ He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, ‘You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night.’ The clerk said, ‘Me too!’
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. ‘You don't understand,’ I said, ‘I hoped to have Sex on TV.’ He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, ‘Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.’ The Judge said, ‘Me too!’
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, ‘I'm looking for Sex.’ -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, ‘What seems to be the trouble?’ I replied, ‘Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely.’ and the doctor said, ‘Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog.’
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him ‘Buddy’ or ‘Lassie’. I call mine ‘Sex’. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, ‘I would like to have one too!’ Then I said, ‘But she is a dog!’ He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, ‘You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old.’ He replied, ‘You must have been quite a strong boy.’ When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, ‘But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.’ He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on. When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, ‘You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night.’ The clerk said, ‘Me too!’
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. ‘You don't understand,’ I said, ‘I hoped to have Sex on TV.’ He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, ‘Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married.’ The Judge said, ‘Me too!’
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, ‘I'm looking for Sex.’ -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, ‘What seems to be the trouble?’ I replied, ‘Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely.’ and the doctor said, ‘Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog.’

Joke 12/15/11

Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

feels like

what Texas feels like

Rain

still rain in texas

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God Words 12/15/11

"You Are The Light Of The World":

14 'You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden.
15 Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house.
16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.  (Matthew 5 : 14-16 - ESV)

right now

good morning from Texas

we have

there rain around in texas

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Joke 10:53pm 12/14/11

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor.
‘As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern.’
‘At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg.’
‘Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.'‘
‘From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?’
The sperm nodded affirmatively.
Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren.
He wakes immediately and runs to the tunnel.
A multitude of sperm swim behind him.
He knows he has to arrive first.
When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm.
He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball.
When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, ‘Hi, I'm a sperm!’
The red sticky ball smiles and says, ‘Hi. I'm a tonsil.’

Joke 10;52pm 12/14/11

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major.
She asked ‘Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very Serious man.
Is something bothering you?’
‘Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.’
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, ‘It looks like you have seen a lot of action?’
‘Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.’
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, ‘You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.’
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, ‘You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?’
‘1955’, he replied.
‘Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need To chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!’
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and Said, ‘Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.’
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, ‘I hope not; it's only 2130 now.’