ryan

Now that the initial MLB investigation is over, I
want to apologize for my actions and provide a
more specific account of what I did and why I
deserved to be suspended. I have no one to
blame but myself. I know that over the last year
and a half I made some serious mistakes, both
in the information I failed to share during my
arbitration hearing and the comments I made to
the press afterwards.
I have disappointed the people closest to me --
the ones who fought for me because they truly
believed me all along. I kept the truth from
everyone. For a long time, I was in denial and
convinced myself that I had not done anything
wrong.
It is important that people understand that I did
not share details of what happened with anyone
until recently. My family, my teammates, the
Brewers organization, my friends, agents, and
advisors had no knowledge of these facts, and
no one should be blamed but me. Those who
put their necks out for me have been
embarrassed by my behavior. I don't have the
words to express how sorry I am for that.
Here is what happened. During the latter part of
the 2011 season, I was dealing with a nagging
injury and I turned to products for a short period
of time that I shouldn't have used. The products
were a cream and a lozenge which I was told
could help expedite my rehabilitation. It was a
huge mistake for which I am deeply ashamed
and I compounded the situation by not
admitting my mistakes immediately.
I deeply regret many of the things I said at the
press conference after the arbitrator's decision
in February 2012. At that time, I still didn't want
to believe that I had used a banned substance. I
think a combination of feeling self righteous and
having a lot of unjustified anger led me to react
the way I did. I felt wronged and attacked, but
looking back now, I was the one who was
wrong. I am beyond embarrassed that I said
what I thought I needed to say to defend my
clouded vision of reality. I am just starting the
process of trying to understand why I responded
the way I did, which I continue to regret. There
is no excuse for any of this.
For too long during this process, I convinced
myself that I had not done anything wrong. After
my interview with MLB in late June of this year,
I came to the realization that it was time to
come to grips with the truth. I was never
presented with baseball's evidence against me,
but I didn't need to be, because I knew what I
had done. I realized the magnitude of my poor
decisions and finally focused on dealing with the
realities of-and the punishment for-my actions.
I requested a second meeting with Baseball to
acknowledge my violation of the drug policy
and to engage in discussions about appropriate
punishment for my actions. By coming forward
when I did and waiving my right to appeal any
sanctions that were going to be imposed, I
knew I was making the correct decision and
taking the first step in the right direction. It was
important to me to begin my suspension
immediately to minimize the burden on everyone
I had so negatively affected- my teammates, the
entire Brewers organization, the fans and all of
MLB. There has been plenty of rumor and
speculation about my situation, and I am aware
that my admission may result in additional
attacks and accusations from others.
I love the great game of baseball and I am very
sorry for any damage done to the game. I have
privately expressed my apologies to
Commissioner Selig and Rob Manfred of MLB
and to Michael Weiner and his staff at the
Players' Association. I'm very grateful for the
support I've received from them. I sincerely
apologize to everybody involved in the
arbitration process, including the collector, Dino
Laurenzi, Jr. I feel terrible that I put my
teammates in a position where they were asked
some very difficult and uncomfortable questions.
One of my primary goals is to make amends
with them.
I understand it's a blessing and a tremendous
honor to play this game at the Major League
level. I also understand the intensity of the
disappointment from teammates, fans, and other
players. When it comes to both my actions and
my words, I made some very serious mistakes
and I can only ask for the forgiveness of
everyone I let down. I will never make the same
errors again and I intend to share the lessons I
learned with others so they don't repeat my
mistakes. Moving forward, I want to be part of
the solution and no longer part of the problem.
I support baseball's Joint Drug Treatment and
Prevention Program and the importance of
cleaning up the game. What I did goes against
everything I have always valued- achieving
through hard work and dedication, and being
honest both on and off the field. I also
understand that I will now have to work very,
very hard to begin to earn back people's trust
and support. I am dedicated to making amends
and to earning back the trust of my teammates,
the fans, the entire Brewers' organization, my
sponsors, advisors and from MLB. I am hopeful
that I can earn back the trust from those who I
have disappointed and those who are willing to
give me the opportunity. I am deeply sorry for
my actions, and I apologize to everyone who
has been adversely affected by them.